No wonder my life isn't all ducks and roses. I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.
I drove by a Motel 6 the other day. None of the lights were on.
Supposedly I can have my Whopper my way. Can I get it without all the unhealthy transfats but still with all the cheesy goodness that comes with a good, sloppy, grease-ridden burger?
I know adults who can recite the Big Mac song backwards and forwards but can't say the Pledge of Allegiance, the Preamble to the Constitution, don't know the 10 commandments and truly believe the words "separation of church and state" appear in the Constitution somewhere.
Anyone remember the little rubber martian toys that were in the McDonald's Happy Meals about 30 years ago? They were green, blue, yellow... Maybe a red one in there... I don't know, but they were so cool!
Weebles wobble but they don't fall down. This is true. Weebles are egg shaped. Weebles sit on thier butts and don't fall down. Eggs invariably fall on their side. I'm confused.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But neither bird in the bush will bite you unless you stick your hand in there to try to grab one.
A penny saved is a penny earned. What the hell can you buy for a penny?
The army used to have a saying "Be all that you can be." Now it's "An army of one." I think they changed it the first time they took a look at some soldier being all he could be and they thought "that's it?"
In writing, we have a saying when talking about the best way to write a story. "Show don't tell." Imagine having that in grade school. I picture some nine year old standing perfectly silent holding a pet rock for five minutes before returning to his seat, much to the confused delight of his fellow classmates.
Early to bed, early to rise means the laundry gets piled up, the dishes don't get washed, the cat litter doesn't get scooped, the dog doesn't get walked, the child's homework doesn't get completed, bills don't get paid, but I'm well-rested when I have to return to the monotony of my deadend 9 to 5 job.
A few years ago, I realized the strangest thing. If I wait long enough without eating, hunger pangs go away on their own. Weird. I wonder how long you'd have to wait before they'd come back.
It takes pluto approximately 240 Earth years to travel around the sun. It's pretty far away. Sound travels quite a bit slower than light. So I wonder how long it's going to take Plutonians to discover they've lost their status as the ninth planet. I'm guessing they have an abundance of PLUTONIUM up there on PLUTO. What if they nuke us in anger? Ah, I guess it won't matter. I'll be dead and my great great great great great great grandchildren will have to figure out why some odd nuclear object is on a collision course with earth, bearing a plutonian inscription that says "Oh yeah!? Bite me, Earth Scum!" on it. (one of my fellow writer friends is going to write that story now!)
Pluto is cold. Could they even get a rocket to launch? Wait. Cold Fusion. Crap! Little Eddie the ninth is gonna die, man!
This little exercise has made me laugh. I don't know about you, but I've enjoyed it.
W, E and H thank you for your participation, as does the number 2.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
Paris, Texas wrap-up! Short but to the point
So, the first tandem book signing of Samantha Branham and Edward Hancock II is in the bag. I must say that both Sam and I were quite surprised by the turnout. The event was really enjoyable and if you're ever shopping at the Hasting's in Paris, Texas, let me just recommend the nearby Burger King to sooth the savage hunger inside. Perhaps the highlight of my evening was watching Sam's reaction to the unexpected jalapenos on her burger.
It was a great night and I couldn't have asked for better company in Sam and Lee, her husband to be. I'm looking very forward to once again rockin' the house as Sam and I invade Mt. Pleasant next weekend! If you weren't able to make it to Paris, don't miss this opportunity to say hello and get your hands on signed copies of The Tempest's Child or In The Breath of God.
I'm officially putting out a challenge to the folks in Mt. Pleasant. I want to see how fast Sam and I can sell out of our books. Think you can sell out in under two hours? What about one hour?
Let's see if the fans of Samantha Branham and Edward Hancock II have what it takes to really rock Hasting's in Mt. Pleasant!
And to the folks that are coming to the Longview book signing in May, rest assured I'm putting out the same challenge to you as well! Let's see which town really loves Samantha Branham and Edward Hancock II the most!
Or yanno, you could just let Paris, Texas beat you both… (Though there are Whataburger's near both Hasting's in Longview and Mt. Pleasant so... well... yeah. Points in your favor already!)
Till that time, this blog is brought to you by the letters W, E and H and by the number 2 with support from the letters S, A and B, with the B soon to be changed to a T, but that's neither here nor there.
It was a great night and I couldn't have asked for better company in Sam and Lee, her husband to be. I'm looking very forward to once again rockin' the house as Sam and I invade Mt. Pleasant next weekend! If you weren't able to make it to Paris, don't miss this opportunity to say hello and get your hands on signed copies of The Tempest's Child or In The Breath of God.
I'm officially putting out a challenge to the folks in Mt. Pleasant. I want to see how fast Sam and I can sell out of our books. Think you can sell out in under two hours? What about one hour?
Let's see if the fans of Samantha Branham and Edward Hancock II have what it takes to really rock Hasting's in Mt. Pleasant!
And to the folks that are coming to the Longview book signing in May, rest assured I'm putting out the same challenge to you as well! Let's see which town really loves Samantha Branham and Edward Hancock II the most!
Or yanno, you could just let Paris, Texas beat you both… (Though there are Whataburger's near both Hasting's in Longview and Mt. Pleasant so... well... yeah. Points in your favor already!)
Till that time, this blog is brought to you by the letters W, E and H and by the number 2 with support from the letters S, A and B, with the B soon to be changed to a T, but that's neither here nor there.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
General Peter Pace Speaks His Mind!
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/03/13/gays.military/index.html
The above link takes you to a story about General Peter Pace. Apparently, he made some comments that have pissed off homosexuals and their liberal well-meaning (if misinformed) sympathizers. I realize everybody has a right to his opinion, but what these liberal pissants seem to forget is that "everybody" includes General Pace. If anything, he's got more of a right to an opinion on this issue than the average joe who's never so much as held an army boot, much less donned one! Just as my opinion on disability issues holds more weight because of my experience, his experience as a military man gives more credit to any issue dealing with the military, whether directly or indirectly. You can agree or disagree with that all day long but it's a reality. Might be fact, might be my opinion, but it is still a reality. Experience entitles us to certain things. Motherhood entitles a woman more rights on the abortion issue than a man. Disability entitles me to voice my opinion over an able-bodied person and General Peter Pace's service to this country entitles him to form whatever opinion on gays in the military he so desires!
Okay this man is a general. He's fought and bled and risked life and limb for the concept of Freedom of Speech. If anybody in the free world known as AMERICA has a right to his opinion, it is General Peter Pace.
How DARE these liberal idiots demand anything resembling an apology from this man! Who do they think they are? Maybe if they stopped and thought about what he was saying and the experience from which his opinion stems, they might come to respect it more if not agree with it.
All these idiots who want to breed an oversensitive naivety into society need to shut up, plain and simple. That or get some of their own life experience. The 80 percent of us with common sense are really tired of hearing all the whining and the ignorant, uninformed, unresearched, data-lacking supposed "statistics" that they like to quote. I hate to even say it but it's stemming largely from my generation and the 20-somethings that are coming up right behind us. That sickens me to say the least.
Facts are facts. This country is a Christian nation. It doesn't mean that the 20 percent of you who aren't Christian can't speak up. You can. But the 80 percent of us that adhere to Judeo-Christian moral code of ethics do not have to bow to your every whim and fancy. You are not the leaders of this country. You are not the sole voice. Heck you're not even the majority! For every one of you that support homosexuality, there are 4 of us that recognize it for what it is, an abomination. You are not in line with the thinking of our Forefathers and founders such as Ben Franklin or George Washington. Yes, you might mean well and it's good to remind the more radical among us that God does not, in fact, "hate fags" as some overzealous faux religious people might contend. (Those idiots need to shut up themselves, but that's a story for another time.) The fact is that God hates sin and homosexuality is just as much a sin as lying or murder.
Of course, this is where you ask "to whom is it a sin? To the God you serve?" Yeah. to the God I serve along with 80 percent of the rest of the country. 4 out of 5 Americans serve this same God I do. If we assume there are approximately 300 million people in America, that means 240 million people think relatively in line with what I just said. Some might be weak in their ability to assert that belief, because of the loud attacks on our Christian principles by the 20 percent of you who are angered by our calls for morality, but the sentiment exists nonetheless.
This country was founded on Biblical principles. Not on the Quran, not on the Book of Mormon, Wiccan texts or Joe's Book of Religious Worship. And those principles include the assertion that homosexuality is an abomination. Your own liberal medical minds have asserted that homosexuality is a medical issue. (for more on this, check out one of my earlier blogs.) Medical science, in its liberal attempts to legitimize homosexuality, has "discovered" that it's a chemical imbalance in the brain. The word imbalance implies an abnormality by its very inclusion in the explanation of homosexuality's root cause! So to say that homosexuals are abnormal is no less sensitive than saying they suffer from a chemical imbalance. they suffer from an abnormality in their brain chemicals that could be controlled by medication, much the way symptoms of Parkinson's or Schizophrenia are controlled by medication.
So when General Peter Pace steps up to say he would rather not serve with homosexuals, it's akin to saying he'd rather not serve with anyone of an abnormal brain function. Anyone with Parkinsons, Schizophrenia, dementia, short term memory lapses, murderous tendencies, a propensity for pedophilia or homosexuality. Since all of these are either triggered or exacerbated by a chemical imbalance in the brain, one is no different from the other.
It's real simple. Just ask yourself these question: Would you want to put your life in the hands of a guy who is more interested in eating an imaginary pink dog than in defending the foxhole you two are pinned in? Would you really want to put your life in the hands of someone who can't stop hand tremors long enough to properly aim his weapon? Would you be willing to put your life at stake just to give me a chance to fight alongside you in my wheelchair? Are you really saying you are willing to make an orphan out of your child just to be able to fight alongside a person more interested in raping a 9 year old Iraqi than actually accomplishing a mission?
They say there are no atheists in foxholes. Honestly I think that statement is losing a lot of truth in recent years, but I do believe that many a soldier has "found God" amid the scream and holler of thousands of bullets and mortar rounds and I wonder how many of them would go back and put their eternal salvation in the hands of a sinner. (Yes I know we all sin...yadda yadda yadda. Please don't get me started on that argument.)
General Peter Pace did nothing but express the opinion of 80 percent of the country he serves. Just because the 20 percent gets pissed off by his assertion doesn't make General Pace's opinion suddenly invalid. Quite the contrary, it means they need to stand back, take a look at where his opinion stems and see where they might be able to find fault in their own code of morality. Maybe they won't find such fault. This is, after all, America. The 20 percent is going to exist, whether they exist as 25 percent, 20 percent, 15 or 17.9 percent. There will always be a disagreement. But at the end of the day I'm fine with that not because this is America. I'm fine with that because I know that God will not be able to save everybody. Unfortunately, just as there's plenty of room in Heaven for the Saved, there's an abundance of room in Hell for those who decide they wish to stay Lost.
God gives us all a chance to accept Him, through His son, Jesus. But sadly He also supplied us with free will which gives everyone the opportunity to look at what God's offering and say "no thanks."
You have that right. You have the right to say "no thanks." You have the right to serve whatever deity you wish or to refrain from any sort of recognition thereof. However, you do not have the right to deny me (Or General Peter Pace) our recognition of our own Supreme Lord and Master. General Peter Pace did nothing wrong in voicing his opinions as they relate to homosexuality and if you feel that he did, you are wrong.
The media is very strong. They are very loud and they are very determined to make it uncomfortable to serve God in this country. I, for one, am not willing to let that happen. I am not willing that anyone should be lost. God is the answer and Jesus is The Way. I'm sorry if that offends you but look on the bright side. In saying that, I gave you a chance to say "no thanks."
Till Next time this blog is brought to you by the letters W, E and H and by the number 2, all of which happen to be "Down with G-O-D!"
The above link takes you to a story about General Peter Pace. Apparently, he made some comments that have pissed off homosexuals and their liberal well-meaning (if misinformed) sympathizers. I realize everybody has a right to his opinion, but what these liberal pissants seem to forget is that "everybody" includes General Pace. If anything, he's got more of a right to an opinion on this issue than the average joe who's never so much as held an army boot, much less donned one! Just as my opinion on disability issues holds more weight because of my experience, his experience as a military man gives more credit to any issue dealing with the military, whether directly or indirectly. You can agree or disagree with that all day long but it's a reality. Might be fact, might be my opinion, but it is still a reality. Experience entitles us to certain things. Motherhood entitles a woman more rights on the abortion issue than a man. Disability entitles me to voice my opinion over an able-bodied person and General Peter Pace's service to this country entitles him to form whatever opinion on gays in the military he so desires!
Okay this man is a general. He's fought and bled and risked life and limb for the concept of Freedom of Speech. If anybody in the free world known as AMERICA has a right to his opinion, it is General Peter Pace.
How DARE these liberal idiots demand anything resembling an apology from this man! Who do they think they are? Maybe if they stopped and thought about what he was saying and the experience from which his opinion stems, they might come to respect it more if not agree with it.
All these idiots who want to breed an oversensitive naivety into society need to shut up, plain and simple. That or get some of their own life experience. The 80 percent of us with common sense are really tired of hearing all the whining and the ignorant, uninformed, unresearched, data-lacking supposed "statistics" that they like to quote. I hate to even say it but it's stemming largely from my generation and the 20-somethings that are coming up right behind us. That sickens me to say the least.
Facts are facts. This country is a Christian nation. It doesn't mean that the 20 percent of you who aren't Christian can't speak up. You can. But the 80 percent of us that adhere to Judeo-Christian moral code of ethics do not have to bow to your every whim and fancy. You are not the leaders of this country. You are not the sole voice. Heck you're not even the majority! For every one of you that support homosexuality, there are 4 of us that recognize it for what it is, an abomination. You are not in line with the thinking of our Forefathers and founders such as Ben Franklin or George Washington. Yes, you might mean well and it's good to remind the more radical among us that God does not, in fact, "hate fags" as some overzealous faux religious people might contend. (Those idiots need to shut up themselves, but that's a story for another time.) The fact is that God hates sin and homosexuality is just as much a sin as lying or murder.
Of course, this is where you ask "to whom is it a sin? To the God you serve?" Yeah. to the God I serve along with 80 percent of the rest of the country. 4 out of 5 Americans serve this same God I do. If we assume there are approximately 300 million people in America, that means 240 million people think relatively in line with what I just said. Some might be weak in their ability to assert that belief, because of the loud attacks on our Christian principles by the 20 percent of you who are angered by our calls for morality, but the sentiment exists nonetheless.
This country was founded on Biblical principles. Not on the Quran, not on the Book of Mormon, Wiccan texts or Joe's Book of Religious Worship. And those principles include the assertion that homosexuality is an abomination. Your own liberal medical minds have asserted that homosexuality is a medical issue. (for more on this, check out one of my earlier blogs.) Medical science, in its liberal attempts to legitimize homosexuality, has "discovered" that it's a chemical imbalance in the brain. The word imbalance implies an abnormality by its very inclusion in the explanation of homosexuality's root cause! So to say that homosexuals are abnormal is no less sensitive than saying they suffer from a chemical imbalance. they suffer from an abnormality in their brain chemicals that could be controlled by medication, much the way symptoms of Parkinson's or Schizophrenia are controlled by medication.
So when General Peter Pace steps up to say he would rather not serve with homosexuals, it's akin to saying he'd rather not serve with anyone of an abnormal brain function. Anyone with Parkinsons, Schizophrenia, dementia, short term memory lapses, murderous tendencies, a propensity for pedophilia or homosexuality. Since all of these are either triggered or exacerbated by a chemical imbalance in the brain, one is no different from the other.
It's real simple. Just ask yourself these question: Would you want to put your life in the hands of a guy who is more interested in eating an imaginary pink dog than in defending the foxhole you two are pinned in? Would you really want to put your life in the hands of someone who can't stop hand tremors long enough to properly aim his weapon? Would you be willing to put your life at stake just to give me a chance to fight alongside you in my wheelchair? Are you really saying you are willing to make an orphan out of your child just to be able to fight alongside a person more interested in raping a 9 year old Iraqi than actually accomplishing a mission?
They say there are no atheists in foxholes. Honestly I think that statement is losing a lot of truth in recent years, but I do believe that many a soldier has "found God" amid the scream and holler of thousands of bullets and mortar rounds and I wonder how many of them would go back and put their eternal salvation in the hands of a sinner. (Yes I know we all sin...yadda yadda yadda. Please don't get me started on that argument.)
General Peter Pace did nothing but express the opinion of 80 percent of the country he serves. Just because the 20 percent gets pissed off by his assertion doesn't make General Pace's opinion suddenly invalid. Quite the contrary, it means they need to stand back, take a look at where his opinion stems and see where they might be able to find fault in their own code of morality. Maybe they won't find such fault. This is, after all, America. The 20 percent is going to exist, whether they exist as 25 percent, 20 percent, 15 or 17.9 percent. There will always be a disagreement. But at the end of the day I'm fine with that not because this is America. I'm fine with that because I know that God will not be able to save everybody. Unfortunately, just as there's plenty of room in Heaven for the Saved, there's an abundance of room in Hell for those who decide they wish to stay Lost.
God gives us all a chance to accept Him, through His son, Jesus. But sadly He also supplied us with free will which gives everyone the opportunity to look at what God's offering and say "no thanks."
You have that right. You have the right to say "no thanks." You have the right to serve whatever deity you wish or to refrain from any sort of recognition thereof. However, you do not have the right to deny me (Or General Peter Pace) our recognition of our own Supreme Lord and Master. General Peter Pace did nothing wrong in voicing his opinions as they relate to homosexuality and if you feel that he did, you are wrong.
The media is very strong. They are very loud and they are very determined to make it uncomfortable to serve God in this country. I, for one, am not willing to let that happen. I am not willing that anyone should be lost. God is the answer and Jesus is The Way. I'm sorry if that offends you but look on the bright side. In saying that, I gave you a chance to say "no thanks."
Till Next time this blog is brought to you by the letters W, E and H and by the number 2, all of which happen to be "Down with G-O-D!"
Thursday, March 1, 2007
The Holy Trinity Explained...(Well, not really)
"Father, Son and Holy Spirit... "
If you've grown up in or around any Christian religion you've heard those words spoken at least once in your life. If you're like me, you're often confused by this vision and no amount of explanation can really help a person to truly understand exactly what comprises this Holy Trinity. For me, it's become somewhat easier to understand this concept, as I researched biblical topics that ultimately shaped my book, In The Breath of God. While this wasn't my intent, I can honestly say I managed to develop a much deeper relationship with my savior through the very secular process of researching for this very secular suspense book. In that deepening relationship, I came upon a revelation that has helped me better understand the true nature of the Holy Trinity in my own finite human mind. Is it accurate? I don't know. To claim such would be blasphemous in my mind. It would be to claim I know the mind of God or, worse, to claim that I am God (or better than Him.) As neither would be true, I will stop short of saying that I am offering truth.
What I am offering is opinion plain and simple. But it is an opinion about which I feel very passionate. It is an opinion I feel carries with it much weight and much intense study, speculation and scrutiny. At no time am I trying to convince people that I am right. I am a finite human who is struggling to find the words to articulate an infinite concept to other finite beings. Under the weight of this daunting task, I must say I'm finding it very difficult to find the courage to carry onward. Still, it's been on my mind for some time now. I've prayed about it and I've reached the realization that God wants me to share this opinion. Perhaps He wants others to know the truth. Perhaps He wants others to read my thoughts and help me shape this idea and discover what the truth really is. Maybe he just wants me to put this out there so that the world can tell me what a complete blithering idiot I am and we can all move forward, each wiser in his own way. Whatever the case, here's my theory.
When I was a kid, I basically thought of the trinity as three separate beings. God was The Father. This was being number one. Just as my dad exists independent of me -- and I of him -- God existed (in my childish mind) separately from his son, Jesus Christ. As for the Holy Spirit? The best way I could explain this to myself as a child was that this guy was kind of like my dad's twin brother, Mike. That weird uncle nobody really understands but everybody knows is there. (Keep in mind I was a kid trying to figure God out. I wasn't trying to be disrespectful.) In my mind, it was the only way it could be. They were three beings. How else can they exist?
Then I got older. I took biology classes, anatomy classes, health classes, math classes, you name it. I took writing classes and even religion and philosophy classes. Above all, I merely took LIFE classes. That is to say I observed things. I talked to people. I watched certain preachers and I read my Bible, all in an attempt to really know God better. At times I discovered a golden nugget I had not possessed before. At other times, I went spiritually bankrupt, unable to find some unimportant detail that was probably right in front of my face the whole time. It's safe to say that God and I have had our ups and downs.
In the end, it did not come slowly, through research, study or life lessons. It came in a moment of unexpected, unplanned inspiration. It came as a culmination of everything, but manifested in one quick eureka moment that was as powerful as a bolt of lightning from Heaven itself. I've worked with it, sat with it, contemplated it, shaped it and labored to make sense of it for as long as I'm physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually able. The time has come for me to reveal my thoughts to you, my readers, and risk the judgment, disagreement and possible ridicule you may feel lead to lay at my feet.
First let's start with God. God the Father. God is THE Creator. He is THE essence from which all life springs. He is not only the Creator, but in a very real sense he IS the creation in living form. He breathed life into Adam according to The Word. Hence the creation and Creator became One.
This brings us to The Son, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ was man. He was made flesh. When I think of Jesus, I think first of the fact he was made man. He then died like any other man and what happened? His SOUL rose again. See, in making him HUMAN, we often forget that he had not only a SPIRIT inside him but a SOUL just like every other human creature. His soul rose from the grave, fought Satan in Hell and ultimately joined with The Father in Heaven, to sit at his right side. But again, in death, Jesus Christ RETURNED to The Father and became One with Him. Two creatures essentially becoming one.
From the father comes the son but they are linked because the father gives life to the son. In humans, this is seen through DNA and genetic code. Half of who I am, I owe to my dear old daddy. We all know that story. Sperm Cell + Egg = Eddie. It's the same equation for you, really. Sperm Cell + Egg = (Insert your name here.) On a much more SUPERNATURAL plane, the equation went a bit more like this: God's spirit + Mary's womb = Jesus Christ. Either way it took both a mother and father for Jesus to be born. From a scientific standpoint, I would have loved to have some of Jesus' DNA so we could see how closely it matched Mary's. My theory on this is wherever there are differences in Jesus' DNA and Mary's you would essentially be looking at the DNA of God Almighty! Isn't that an interesting tangent for my mind to wander onto?
So, let's now consider the Holy Spirit. That's a bit more complicated to explain, because I'm starting to see this as more of a concept than an actual person so to speak. (Though that's not entirely accurate as to how I see it either. Stick with me.)
The holy spirit is, in a sense, God's spirit. It is the spirit that dwells within all mankind, including Jesus Christ, and compels him toward a certain course of action. it is the spirit that, when heeded, ultimately saves you from sin and guaranties your entrance into heaven. It is God's voice. It is God's breath of life. The same breath he first breathed into Adam all those years ago. The same spirit that dwelled within Jesus Christ's finite human body. The difference between JESUS and us is that Jesus possessed God's DNA and originated FROM God's spirit, whereas I think we possess our earthly parents DNA and are so many generations' removed from God's breath that we have lost the connection we once had with this magnificent power. (That whole 6 degrees of separation thing.) Jesus was one step removed from God, The Father. There was a direct link, an intimate connection. In us, there's so much genetics, biology and what not that we've lost that connection first given to Adam. God didn't come down and impregnate each of our virgin mothers. (Though I'm firmly of the opinion my mother is a virgin, despite giving birth to two children, and don't bother arguing with me on this because the alternative is just plain oogey!)
So what do we have at the end of the day? First we have God, The Father, from which all things stem. Second, you have Jesus Christ, The Son, in whom God entrusted his spirit to dwell WITHIN the soul of the finite human shell of His Infinite Son. (Make sense there?) Then we have the Holy Spirit, which is best described as our conscience. It is the spirit that teaches us right from wrong and gives us a sense of guilt when we do wrong. It is the spirit that compels us to love one another and do right unto our fellow man. It is a very powerful force that, when heeded, grants us a return ticket to God The Father.
So, if we are granted a RETURN ticket, doesn't that wash out my argument that DNA and all that stuff separates us from God more than it did Jesus? No. Because of one very simple fact. We were not born of a virgin. Like Jesus we possess a soul and we also have the Holy Spirit within us to GUIDE us. But God created us through "natural, human" means. He created Jesus in a very supernatural way and therein lies the difference.
Our soul is what returns to God. Our Spirit IS a part of God. In each of us, God plants a tiny part of himself, entrusting us to nurture it and, hopefully, help it grow and develop into something that will glorify the giver of this most special gift. God can not MAKE us cherish this gift anymore than He can MAKE us cherish the sacrifice His son made on the cross, but it's worth it to try.
So I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone. Again, I'm not even sure how accurate it is. I just know that it's how I saw it and felt such a strong weight under this realization that I finally had to relent. I finally had to admit that something about this train of thought was important. Something herein needed to be verbalized. Even as I wrap this up, I have felt a tremendous weight lift from me. And I know that even if my theory on this wasn't entirely accurate, so begins another journey of discovery between God and me. I pray that this one is fruitful. I pray that God truly reveals Himself to me and, maybe, to anyone else who has ever pondered the things discussed herein.
Until that time, this blog is brought to you by the letters W, E and H and by the number 2.
If you've grown up in or around any Christian religion you've heard those words spoken at least once in your life. If you're like me, you're often confused by this vision and no amount of explanation can really help a person to truly understand exactly what comprises this Holy Trinity. For me, it's become somewhat easier to understand this concept, as I researched biblical topics that ultimately shaped my book, In The Breath of God. While this wasn't my intent, I can honestly say I managed to develop a much deeper relationship with my savior through the very secular process of researching for this very secular suspense book. In that deepening relationship, I came upon a revelation that has helped me better understand the true nature of the Holy Trinity in my own finite human mind. Is it accurate? I don't know. To claim such would be blasphemous in my mind. It would be to claim I know the mind of God or, worse, to claim that I am God (or better than Him.) As neither would be true, I will stop short of saying that I am offering truth.
What I am offering is opinion plain and simple. But it is an opinion about which I feel very passionate. It is an opinion I feel carries with it much weight and much intense study, speculation and scrutiny. At no time am I trying to convince people that I am right. I am a finite human who is struggling to find the words to articulate an infinite concept to other finite beings. Under the weight of this daunting task, I must say I'm finding it very difficult to find the courage to carry onward. Still, it's been on my mind for some time now. I've prayed about it and I've reached the realization that God wants me to share this opinion. Perhaps He wants others to know the truth. Perhaps He wants others to read my thoughts and help me shape this idea and discover what the truth really is. Maybe he just wants me to put this out there so that the world can tell me what a complete blithering idiot I am and we can all move forward, each wiser in his own way. Whatever the case, here's my theory.
When I was a kid, I basically thought of the trinity as three separate beings. God was The Father. This was being number one. Just as my dad exists independent of me -- and I of him -- God existed (in my childish mind) separately from his son, Jesus Christ. As for the Holy Spirit? The best way I could explain this to myself as a child was that this guy was kind of like my dad's twin brother, Mike. That weird uncle nobody really understands but everybody knows is there. (Keep in mind I was a kid trying to figure God out. I wasn't trying to be disrespectful.) In my mind, it was the only way it could be. They were three beings. How else can they exist?
Then I got older. I took biology classes, anatomy classes, health classes, math classes, you name it. I took writing classes and even religion and philosophy classes. Above all, I merely took LIFE classes. That is to say I observed things. I talked to people. I watched certain preachers and I read my Bible, all in an attempt to really know God better. At times I discovered a golden nugget I had not possessed before. At other times, I went spiritually bankrupt, unable to find some unimportant detail that was probably right in front of my face the whole time. It's safe to say that God and I have had our ups and downs.
In the end, it did not come slowly, through research, study or life lessons. It came in a moment of unexpected, unplanned inspiration. It came as a culmination of everything, but manifested in one quick eureka moment that was as powerful as a bolt of lightning from Heaven itself. I've worked with it, sat with it, contemplated it, shaped it and labored to make sense of it for as long as I'm physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually able. The time has come for me to reveal my thoughts to you, my readers, and risk the judgment, disagreement and possible ridicule you may feel lead to lay at my feet.
First let's start with God. God the Father. God is THE Creator. He is THE essence from which all life springs. He is not only the Creator, but in a very real sense he IS the creation in living form. He breathed life into Adam according to The Word. Hence the creation and Creator became One.
This brings us to The Son, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ was man. He was made flesh. When I think of Jesus, I think first of the fact he was made man. He then died like any other man and what happened? His SOUL rose again. See, in making him HUMAN, we often forget that he had not only a SPIRIT inside him but a SOUL just like every other human creature. His soul rose from the grave, fought Satan in Hell and ultimately joined with The Father in Heaven, to sit at his right side. But again, in death, Jesus Christ RETURNED to The Father and became One with Him. Two creatures essentially becoming one.
From the father comes the son but they are linked because the father gives life to the son. In humans, this is seen through DNA and genetic code. Half of who I am, I owe to my dear old daddy. We all know that story. Sperm Cell + Egg = Eddie. It's the same equation for you, really. Sperm Cell + Egg = (Insert your name here.) On a much more SUPERNATURAL plane, the equation went a bit more like this: God's spirit + Mary's womb = Jesus Christ. Either way it took both a mother and father for Jesus to be born. From a scientific standpoint, I would have loved to have some of Jesus' DNA so we could see how closely it matched Mary's. My theory on this is wherever there are differences in Jesus' DNA and Mary's you would essentially be looking at the DNA of God Almighty! Isn't that an interesting tangent for my mind to wander onto?
So, let's now consider the Holy Spirit. That's a bit more complicated to explain, because I'm starting to see this as more of a concept than an actual person so to speak. (Though that's not entirely accurate as to how I see it either. Stick with me.)
The holy spirit is, in a sense, God's spirit. It is the spirit that dwells within all mankind, including Jesus Christ, and compels him toward a certain course of action. it is the spirit that, when heeded, ultimately saves you from sin and guaranties your entrance into heaven. It is God's voice. It is God's breath of life. The same breath he first breathed into Adam all those years ago. The same spirit that dwelled within Jesus Christ's finite human body. The difference between JESUS and us is that Jesus possessed God's DNA and originated FROM God's spirit, whereas I think we possess our earthly parents DNA and are so many generations' removed from God's breath that we have lost the connection we once had with this magnificent power. (That whole 6 degrees of separation thing.) Jesus was one step removed from God, The Father. There was a direct link, an intimate connection. In us, there's so much genetics, biology and what not that we've lost that connection first given to Adam. God didn't come down and impregnate each of our virgin mothers. (Though I'm firmly of the opinion my mother is a virgin, despite giving birth to two children, and don't bother arguing with me on this because the alternative is just plain oogey!)
So what do we have at the end of the day? First we have God, The Father, from which all things stem. Second, you have Jesus Christ, The Son, in whom God entrusted his spirit to dwell WITHIN the soul of the finite human shell of His Infinite Son. (Make sense there?) Then we have the Holy Spirit, which is best described as our conscience. It is the spirit that teaches us right from wrong and gives us a sense of guilt when we do wrong. It is the spirit that compels us to love one another and do right unto our fellow man. It is a very powerful force that, when heeded, grants us a return ticket to God The Father.
So, if we are granted a RETURN ticket, doesn't that wash out my argument that DNA and all that stuff separates us from God more than it did Jesus? No. Because of one very simple fact. We were not born of a virgin. Like Jesus we possess a soul and we also have the Holy Spirit within us to GUIDE us. But God created us through "natural, human" means. He created Jesus in a very supernatural way and therein lies the difference.
Our soul is what returns to God. Our Spirit IS a part of God. In each of us, God plants a tiny part of himself, entrusting us to nurture it and, hopefully, help it grow and develop into something that will glorify the giver of this most special gift. God can not MAKE us cherish this gift anymore than He can MAKE us cherish the sacrifice His son made on the cross, but it's worth it to try.
So I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone. Again, I'm not even sure how accurate it is. I just know that it's how I saw it and felt such a strong weight under this realization that I finally had to relent. I finally had to admit that something about this train of thought was important. Something herein needed to be verbalized. Even as I wrap this up, I have felt a tremendous weight lift from me. And I know that even if my theory on this wasn't entirely accurate, so begins another journey of discovery between God and me. I pray that this one is fruitful. I pray that God truly reveals Himself to me and, maybe, to anyone else who has ever pondered the things discussed herein.
Until that time, this blog is brought to you by the letters W, E and H and by the number 2.
Monday, February 26, 2007
I miss....
Recently, I've been riddled with a large sense of what can only be described as grief. I get this way sometimes. It probably means I'm about to really get hot and heavy into some writing project. Usually, just before I start "writing again" I suffer with a horrible bout of depression. This is more than just a "funk" though it can start out this way. Often times it manifests into something quite larger and much more (for lack of a better word) sinister.
This particular bout with depression has been all about the things/people/special someones I miss. Perhaps they've been gone from my life for a while. Perhaps not. The point is that there have been a number of people on my mind recently and I finally decided the only way I'm going to shake it is to blog about it.
March 1st marks six months since Amelia was hit by a car. I can honestly say I haven't felt this kind of grief over the loss of what some would call a "pet" since my mother's English Bulldog, Maggie, died. Amelia had so much personality. I'm an animal lover. I love dogs, adore cats. There was something special about her. Some mysterious connection that brought meaning into our lives. Her loss sent shockwaves through the small microcosm that is my family. Even today, the house has an emptiness that no doubt is traced to Amelia's absence. I'm here, Kelly's here. My son is here. J.J, Buddy and Sassy are here. We're all here and we love one another. But we're not complete. One of our own is gone and six months after the fact it's just as devastating as it was the day it happened.
My son and I were in Longview recently. We stopped by Petco because they have pets available for adoption every other weekend. We like to look -- have always enjoyed petting them -- though we have always known our home is too small to welcome another family member into its walls.
Even writing that, it feels so silly. We have a vacancy, that's for sure. No animal has come to live with us since Amelia's death. So to say our home is too small is, I guess you could say, an outright lie. But is it really? They say home is where the heart is and I know I speak for all of us when I say our hearts are still clinging to Amelia. She's not here but she's as much a member of the family as Maggie still is to me. (Mom handled her grief slightly different however. When Maggie died, she bought another English Bulldog, Abby. Eventually, she purchased Bo as well. Neither has been able to quell the grief she still feels some 6 years after Maggie's death.) At some point I have to learn to let another one be that special to me. As much as I love the Buddy Bear, he's not Amelia. For all their quirks and funny moments, neither J.J. nor Sassy have her affectionate demeanor or sense of empathy mixed with her conditional feline adoration. I miss you, Amelia. And I'm quite sure I always will.
I know it's weird to say but I've been thinking back to 1993 and 1995 when my Uncle Bill and grandfather died. Uncle Bill's passing was so sudden. He was ripped from the world unexpectedly, shortly after heart surgery that had left him quite incapacitated. One day he was there -- though admittedly different than he'd been prior to surgery. He was THERE and that was what mattered. The next moment, he was gone. With my grandfather, it was long and drawn out. He had a heart attack and lingered for months, slowly wasting away to a shell of his former self. Helplessly, I watched as my namesake lost his will to live, eventually dying both literally and figuratively of a broken heart.
Neither man bore witness to the day I wed my first wife. Mercifully, both men were spared having to comfort me the day that marriage ended under such horrid circumstances. They haven't been there to see the trials, tragedies and triumphs that have shaped my life over the past decade plus. I wonder if I would have become a different kind of man under the watchful eye of Uncle Bill and my grandfather. With Uncle Bill's unshakeable positive attitude, indelible courage and boundless faith, would I have walked the path of lesser resistence that I occasionally took in life? If exposed to my grandfather's sense of adventure and his propensity to laugh at risks, would my fears have been more easily surmounted? I don't know, but I know that I carry them with me as much as I can. Many christians ask "what would jesus do?" in certain situations, and admittedly I ask that as well. However, I often times find myself asking what these other great "missing" influences in my life would do. And if I listen hard enough, sometimes I think I can hear the answer.
I also miss my friend Tara. I don't know why, but she has been on my mind quite frequently as of late. She came to me several months ago with a problem she felt was in need of my assistance. The problem is that Tara forgot who she was asking when she asked for advice. I love Tara to death. She will always own a piece of my heart. Some part of me will always belong to that very dear friend. But at the end of the day, I am who I am and I can't change that. Tara was depressed. What she wanted, I think, was for me to say what she wanted to hear. She wanted to play both sides of the conversation. She essentially wanted to be the script writer of how the little drama was to play out.
"Okay I'm going to tell you I have this problem and you are going to reply thusly..."
I'm not able to do that. When somebody comes to me with advice, I have to give them advice I feel they need to hear. I try to temper it with love. After all, any advice I GIVE is out of love. Out of genuine concern. I admit ignorance when it applies. I admit lack of experience when it exists. I advise people quite openly to consider my opinion as what it is. One person's thoughts, carrying no more or less weight than any other person you might ask.
Tara chose to see judgement where none existed. In the end, I couldn't stop her exit from my life. I couldn't because I chose not to compromise who I was. To do so would have meant our friendship would've been built on a lie from that point on and I love and care for my friends too much to have our relationships built on a lie.
And so it is I "watched" as one of my dear friends walked out of my life. Is it forever? I suppose we can never be sure. Many have walked away only to come back days later. Several have walked away only to realize, months down the road, how valuable my friendship can be. Occasionally years go by and people go through some horrible event or some profound moment and realize that I am not there serving whatever purpose it was I served in their life.
And occasionally they walk away for good...Whether or not they miss me, I can not say.
What I can say is that each person (pet or human) that has left my life has taken with them a piece of my heart that I can never replace. Often, I find myself wondering if this is what killed my grandfather. Earlier, I said he died of a broken heart. Maybe he didn't Maybe he died because people who left his life took with them small chunks of his heart and he only expired when the last piece proved too weak to do the work of all the missing pieces. Perhaps it is grief that killed my grandfather. Perhaps even the grief that his grandson and namesake did not visit him even once during his last 2 weeks on earth.
Want to hear the weirdest part? I've been missing people that are in my life. Missing people I "talk to" on myspace or e-mail or even on the telephone but haven't seen in a month of sundays. The more I think about loss or the more I contemplate time and how it gets away from me, the more I realize how important it is to remind those who have chosen to continue life's journey with me how very much I love and appreciate them.
You never know...
It's so very true. You never know what tomorrow will bring. It may bring the death of your best four-legged friend. It may bring the phone call that your favorite Uncle was found dead at the corner. Or it may bring a relationship-severing fight with one of your very best friends.
Tomorrow may bring your own death in a car wreck. Tomorrow may see your best friend killed on the battlefield of Iraq. Tomorrow may mean your mother is shot during a botched bank robbery.
None of us are guaranteed tomorrow and for that reason, I really want to encourage everyone to live your life to the fullest. Life's too short to spend it pissed off. Love the ones you should. And TELL them you love them. But don't just tell them.... SHOW them. Because once they're gone, life doesn't give many second chances to say goodbye.
Till next time this blog is brought to you by the manic letters W, E and H and by the depressive number 2.
This particular bout with depression has been all about the things/people/special someones I miss. Perhaps they've been gone from my life for a while. Perhaps not. The point is that there have been a number of people on my mind recently and I finally decided the only way I'm going to shake it is to blog about it.
March 1st marks six months since Amelia was hit by a car. I can honestly say I haven't felt this kind of grief over the loss of what some would call a "pet" since my mother's English Bulldog, Maggie, died. Amelia had so much personality. I'm an animal lover. I love dogs, adore cats. There was something special about her. Some mysterious connection that brought meaning into our lives. Her loss sent shockwaves through the small microcosm that is my family. Even today, the house has an emptiness that no doubt is traced to Amelia's absence. I'm here, Kelly's here. My son is here. J.J, Buddy and Sassy are here. We're all here and we love one another. But we're not complete. One of our own is gone and six months after the fact it's just as devastating as it was the day it happened.
My son and I were in Longview recently. We stopped by Petco because they have pets available for adoption every other weekend. We like to look -- have always enjoyed petting them -- though we have always known our home is too small to welcome another family member into its walls.
Even writing that, it feels so silly. We have a vacancy, that's for sure. No animal has come to live with us since Amelia's death. So to say our home is too small is, I guess you could say, an outright lie. But is it really? They say home is where the heart is and I know I speak for all of us when I say our hearts are still clinging to Amelia. She's not here but she's as much a member of the family as Maggie still is to me. (Mom handled her grief slightly different however. When Maggie died, she bought another English Bulldog, Abby. Eventually, she purchased Bo as well. Neither has been able to quell the grief she still feels some 6 years after Maggie's death.) At some point I have to learn to let another one be that special to me. As much as I love the Buddy Bear, he's not Amelia. For all their quirks and funny moments, neither J.J. nor Sassy have her affectionate demeanor or sense of empathy mixed with her conditional feline adoration. I miss you, Amelia. And I'm quite sure I always will.
I know it's weird to say but I've been thinking back to 1993 and 1995 when my Uncle Bill and grandfather died. Uncle Bill's passing was so sudden. He was ripped from the world unexpectedly, shortly after heart surgery that had left him quite incapacitated. One day he was there -- though admittedly different than he'd been prior to surgery. He was THERE and that was what mattered. The next moment, he was gone. With my grandfather, it was long and drawn out. He had a heart attack and lingered for months, slowly wasting away to a shell of his former self. Helplessly, I watched as my namesake lost his will to live, eventually dying both literally and figuratively of a broken heart.
Neither man bore witness to the day I wed my first wife. Mercifully, both men were spared having to comfort me the day that marriage ended under such horrid circumstances. They haven't been there to see the trials, tragedies and triumphs that have shaped my life over the past decade plus. I wonder if I would have become a different kind of man under the watchful eye of Uncle Bill and my grandfather. With Uncle Bill's unshakeable positive attitude, indelible courage and boundless faith, would I have walked the path of lesser resistence that I occasionally took in life? If exposed to my grandfather's sense of adventure and his propensity to laugh at risks, would my fears have been more easily surmounted? I don't know, but I know that I carry them with me as much as I can. Many christians ask "what would jesus do?" in certain situations, and admittedly I ask that as well. However, I often times find myself asking what these other great "missing" influences in my life would do. And if I listen hard enough, sometimes I think I can hear the answer.
I also miss my friend Tara. I don't know why, but she has been on my mind quite frequently as of late. She came to me several months ago with a problem she felt was in need of my assistance. The problem is that Tara forgot who she was asking when she asked for advice. I love Tara to death. She will always own a piece of my heart. Some part of me will always belong to that very dear friend. But at the end of the day, I am who I am and I can't change that. Tara was depressed. What she wanted, I think, was for me to say what she wanted to hear. She wanted to play both sides of the conversation. She essentially wanted to be the script writer of how the little drama was to play out.
"Okay I'm going to tell you I have this problem and you are going to reply thusly..."
I'm not able to do that. When somebody comes to me with advice, I have to give them advice I feel they need to hear. I try to temper it with love. After all, any advice I GIVE is out of love. Out of genuine concern. I admit ignorance when it applies. I admit lack of experience when it exists. I advise people quite openly to consider my opinion as what it is. One person's thoughts, carrying no more or less weight than any other person you might ask.
Tara chose to see judgement where none existed. In the end, I couldn't stop her exit from my life. I couldn't because I chose not to compromise who I was. To do so would have meant our friendship would've been built on a lie from that point on and I love and care for my friends too much to have our relationships built on a lie.
And so it is I "watched" as one of my dear friends walked out of my life. Is it forever? I suppose we can never be sure. Many have walked away only to come back days later. Several have walked away only to realize, months down the road, how valuable my friendship can be. Occasionally years go by and people go through some horrible event or some profound moment and realize that I am not there serving whatever purpose it was I served in their life.
And occasionally they walk away for good...Whether or not they miss me, I can not say.
What I can say is that each person (pet or human) that has left my life has taken with them a piece of my heart that I can never replace. Often, I find myself wondering if this is what killed my grandfather. Earlier, I said he died of a broken heart. Maybe he didn't Maybe he died because people who left his life took with them small chunks of his heart and he only expired when the last piece proved too weak to do the work of all the missing pieces. Perhaps it is grief that killed my grandfather. Perhaps even the grief that his grandson and namesake did not visit him even once during his last 2 weeks on earth.
Want to hear the weirdest part? I've been missing people that are in my life. Missing people I "talk to" on myspace or e-mail or even on the telephone but haven't seen in a month of sundays. The more I think about loss or the more I contemplate time and how it gets away from me, the more I realize how important it is to remind those who have chosen to continue life's journey with me how very much I love and appreciate them.
You never know...
It's so very true. You never know what tomorrow will bring. It may bring the death of your best four-legged friend. It may bring the phone call that your favorite Uncle was found dead at the corner. Or it may bring a relationship-severing fight with one of your very best friends.
Tomorrow may bring your own death in a car wreck. Tomorrow may see your best friend killed on the battlefield of Iraq. Tomorrow may mean your mother is shot during a botched bank robbery.
None of us are guaranteed tomorrow and for that reason, I really want to encourage everyone to live your life to the fullest. Life's too short to spend it pissed off. Love the ones you should. And TELL them you love them. But don't just tell them.... SHOW them. Because once they're gone, life doesn't give many second chances to say goodbye.
Till next time this blog is brought to you by the manic letters W, E and H and by the depressive number 2.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
SNURP!!!
I'm one of those people about which you are going to have a strong opinion. You're either going to love me or you're going to hate me, plain and simple. Now that opinion might change daily, but generally you're either GOING to love me or you're GOING to hate me. Okay so there may be days that you're just kinda "ehhh..." about me, but as a general rule, those that love me, do so very deeply. Likewise, those whose passions burn with fury and rage do so at very high temperatures. Why is this important? Well, because it dictates who reads and ultimately enjoys my randomness.
I am who I am and I've never been one to make apologies for that. Love me or hate me but you better make damn sure you feel something, otherwise I'll see to it that you do!
I'm the type of guy who actually tries to lick his elbow eventhough the message board forward clearly states you can not. (By the way, I can not lick my own elbow.)
I'm also the type of guy who often says the first thing that comes to his mind... and the weirder it is, the better. This is the major reason people either love me or hate me. I'm totally random. I'm just as prone to shout "I've got a lime!" in the middle of a library as I am to fall out of my wheelchair in the middle of the Longview Mall and fake a seizure just to get attention. I'm as likely to sit and ponder who invented the little plastic thing on the end of shoestrings as I am to ponder what would happen if a person managed to sneeze and burp at the same time.
That last one has actually been a quandry for some time, actually. I call it the Snurp Principle. A burp/sneeze attempting to exit your body at the same time. Of course, I have also pondered what would happen if a person hiccuped and sneezed at the same time but we're not talking about the sniccup. For the moment at least, we're talking about the SNURP.
Why are we talking about the snurp? Mostly because I finally answered the question that has been bothering me since I was early in my teenage years. What happens when you sneeze and burp at the same time? Well, to find out, the first thing you need to do is eat something like chili. Something guaranteed to make you burp. It also helps if you're a part of a family that has been passing around the flu bug and other "sniffly" germs for weeks now. (Taking notes I hope!)
The next part of this plan may or may not be optional. To be honest, I'm not sure. But it happened to me when I was laying on the floor playing UNO with my son and his mother. Somewhere in the middle of our third and final game (which lasted nearly 2 hours by itself... nothing like a marathon UNO game to really make One's back tired!) I rolled onto my side to kind of stretch my tired back muscles. About that time I got a major tickle in my nose... Ahhhh here it comes! I was going to sneeze! There was no time to stop it!
Oddly, the motion of rolling from my stomach onto my side (and nearly on to my back if I'm being totally accurate) had released some sort of trapped gas bubble up into my esophagus. (And yes, for the record I'm glad the gas was released northward instead of southward!)
So, long story short, the Snurp Principle was solved in a moment of shock and awe! I'm not sure who was more surprised, me or my son but I'm reasonably sure KELLY was the most repulsed.
So what happens when you burp and sneeze at the same time? Well, a whole lot really. First, it makes the sneeze actually feel less explosive. Second, it burns the holy dog mess out of your throat... but admittedly that could've just been the chili. But third, and perhaps most importantly, what I have learned is that snurps REAAAAAAAAAAALLY freak black tailless, half-cocker spanials/half (we think) beagles out of a sound sleep quicker than his food bowl being re-filled!
Well I guess I can scratch one random piece of useless knowledge off my "to be acquired" list. Now if I can just solve the SNICCUP PRINCIPLE I'll be set! Think I'll wait a little bit though. I don't think my body can handle another all night UNO party!
Till next time, this blog is brought to you by the gassy letters W, E and H and the still amused by the randomness of the number 2.
I am who I am and I've never been one to make apologies for that. Love me or hate me but you better make damn sure you feel something, otherwise I'll see to it that you do!
I'm the type of guy who actually tries to lick his elbow eventhough the message board forward clearly states you can not. (By the way, I can not lick my own elbow.)
I'm also the type of guy who often says the first thing that comes to his mind... and the weirder it is, the better. This is the major reason people either love me or hate me. I'm totally random. I'm just as prone to shout "I've got a lime!" in the middle of a library as I am to fall out of my wheelchair in the middle of the Longview Mall and fake a seizure just to get attention. I'm as likely to sit and ponder who invented the little plastic thing on the end of shoestrings as I am to ponder what would happen if a person managed to sneeze and burp at the same time.
That last one has actually been a quandry for some time, actually. I call it the Snurp Principle. A burp/sneeze attempting to exit your body at the same time. Of course, I have also pondered what would happen if a person hiccuped and sneezed at the same time but we're not talking about the sniccup. For the moment at least, we're talking about the SNURP.
Why are we talking about the snurp? Mostly because I finally answered the question that has been bothering me since I was early in my teenage years. What happens when you sneeze and burp at the same time? Well, to find out, the first thing you need to do is eat something like chili. Something guaranteed to make you burp. It also helps if you're a part of a family that has been passing around the flu bug and other "sniffly" germs for weeks now. (Taking notes I hope!)
The next part of this plan may or may not be optional. To be honest, I'm not sure. But it happened to me when I was laying on the floor playing UNO with my son and his mother. Somewhere in the middle of our third and final game (which lasted nearly 2 hours by itself... nothing like a marathon UNO game to really make One's back tired!) I rolled onto my side to kind of stretch my tired back muscles. About that time I got a major tickle in my nose... Ahhhh here it comes! I was going to sneeze! There was no time to stop it!
Oddly, the motion of rolling from my stomach onto my side (and nearly on to my back if I'm being totally accurate) had released some sort of trapped gas bubble up into my esophagus. (And yes, for the record I'm glad the gas was released northward instead of southward!)
So, long story short, the Snurp Principle was solved in a moment of shock and awe! I'm not sure who was more surprised, me or my son but I'm reasonably sure KELLY was the most repulsed.
So what happens when you burp and sneeze at the same time? Well, a whole lot really. First, it makes the sneeze actually feel less explosive. Second, it burns the holy dog mess out of your throat... but admittedly that could've just been the chili. But third, and perhaps most importantly, what I have learned is that snurps REAAAAAAAAAAALLY freak black tailless, half-cocker spanials/half (we think) beagles out of a sound sleep quicker than his food bowl being re-filled!
Well I guess I can scratch one random piece of useless knowledge off my "to be acquired" list. Now if I can just solve the SNICCUP PRINCIPLE I'll be set! Think I'll wait a little bit though. I don't think my body can handle another all night UNO party!
Till next time, this blog is brought to you by the gassy letters W, E and H and the still amused by the randomness of the number 2.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Well Welcome to Blogger/Blogspot, Eddie
Pleasure to meet you! The name's Edward Hancock II, but my friends call me Eddie. My enemies call me things I can't print in good conscience.
So what's the purpose behind starting this blog? Quite honestly I'm hoping to introduce the world to Alex Mendez.
Don't know who Alex Mendez is? Well that's probably because you haven't read my latest book, In The Breath of God! Once you read it, you'll know all too well who Alex Mendez is and you will NEVER forget him!
As for me, well I don't know if I'm forgettable or not. visit my myspace page and you're sure to be taken for quite an emotional ride! You'll come face to face with a man who has opinions and is not afraid to use them!
So check us out, won't you?
www.myspace.com/edwardhancockII
You'll be glad (or is that galled?) you did!
So what's the purpose behind starting this blog? Quite honestly I'm hoping to introduce the world to Alex Mendez.
Don't know who Alex Mendez is? Well that's probably because you haven't read my latest book, In The Breath of God! Once you read it, you'll know all too well who Alex Mendez is and you will NEVER forget him!
As for me, well I don't know if I'm forgettable or not. visit my myspace page and you're sure to be taken for quite an emotional ride! You'll come face to face with a man who has opinions and is not afraid to use them!
So check us out, won't you?
www.myspace.com/edwardhancockII
You'll be glad (or is that galled?) you did!
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